(secrets/traps)

all the things that are occupying me, that i would normally type about here, are dead giveaways to things i'm specifically remaining silent about to the people most likely to be reading this.

i've been leaving notes sandwiched in my phone so i don't forget things in the morning on the way to work. they're scribbled on the backs of old receipts that i've dragged out of the trash by my bed. there is apparently an endless supply of receipts in that trash can.

i've been listening to shampoo suicide. i like it now because i'm just coming to terms with using shampoo, which is a little death, alright in that way. just interesting that shampoo can be significant and broken social scene sees it too. and how my hair shines! but how it is also sad. very emotional song, that.

(when we get together it's always hot magic)

hello (detox).

i've been busy (freudian typo: busty?). it feels good. the best thing recently has been taking walks, alone and accompanied in the neighborhood behind my house. i don't know who lives there, but they seem unfriendly. they open their door a crack and peer out, chain pulled taut. they're afraid of people outside. they're afraid of me.

at night, the curtains are drawn, as in curfew (etymology typo: couvre-feu). they could me empty, for all the evidence of life. in sandusky, i feel like i'm the observer, looking into gently lit parlors; watching people watch tv, work at their computer. here the brightest lights are the streetlamps over me, and it feels like i'm on display.

the main thing is just taking circles, letting my mind spread out like ice cream melting on a plate. it's relaxing, and it makes me feel like i am home.

this week will be relaxing, as opposed to any other week recently. i don't think i'll go out at night, opting instead to sleep and catch up on other things. maybe be a little healthy. until friday, when all hell breaks loose again until after the election. in this time, i'll sleep three different places, be in five different states, work a few days, see a concert, celebrate birthdays and holidays. even though i won't be thinking about it, my hair will continue to grow, and my gall bladder will continue to produce bile, among other things.

i finished the water next to my bed, so it is empty. i keep reaching for the cup, but then it's too light, and i know (remember) there's no water left.

new subject. dave nelson shaved all his body hair for his halloween costume, michael phelps. it was a good party, a good use of the house. dan bardo came. i took a walk with sameer. i have no complaint. this morning sameer and i went to ihop. nick and jose (the vagina) left. we played griffey. we might play blitz next time.

i'm done. goodnight

(P268)

[Macalister's boy took one of the fish and cut a square out of its side to bait his hook with. The mutilated body (it was alive still) was thrown back into the sea.]