Ce monde, tel qu'il est fait, n'est pas supportable. J'ai donc besoin de la lune, ou de bonheur, ou de l'immortalité, de quelque chose qui soit dément peut-être, mais qui ne soit pas de ce monde.
The world, such as it is, is unendurable. That's why I need the moon, or happiness, or immortality, something strange and twisted, perhaps, but something not of this world.(110)
longer to do that two line translation (thrown by the punctuation of all things).
longer since i posted.
the thoughts i've had in the meantime are sludging at the bottom of my brain like so many slimy fallen leaves. maybe when i scrape off the inside of my head they will have left marks and if so, maybe the floor of my head is concrete.
on saturday, when i got in from shredding leaves, i found my mother and sister putting up christmas decorations with festive music playing in the background. i almost laughed at how sudden and complete the change was (i instantly thought about writing about it here). there was no in between time of wishing for winter break or cold weather or pulling things out of the attic, just one moment pushing leaves through the shredder and then next full out christmas. it's a comment on being shortsighted. when i said i was only worried about running a marathon (check!) and getting a visa (...) i wasn't trying to exclude thinking about anything else, but i guess i have been shortsighted. i like to think break gave me a bit longer scope.
i could keep writing, but i'm giving up my computer so thomas can do toefl training while his computer's out. maybe that means i'll get something done. i see reading in my future. as opposed to math homework. at least it's not final fantasy (into which i happened to sink four or so hours today). so there
17.11.07
(tomorrow is exciting. tonight is sleep)
i left my headphones in the car so i had the valet take me to the garage after dinner. they were in the cupholder. i was walking back, and i had the urge to run to the hotel to get it done faster. but then i remembered tomorrow. i stopped, then felt frustrated and relieved. frustrated that i had to take the long way to the hotel, relieved that i was having trouble not taking off. i might be ready.
the sense of isolation here on the floor sums up nicely in the climate control. though it's below 40 outside, this monster of the building has temperature issues worked out so that we have the air conditioning on up here. it feels nice.
at the barnes foundation there was one painting i particularly liked. a little matisse with a lemon, a spoon and a glass of water on a platter. i sketched it roughly in my notebook (despite being asked not to by the rules). later we passed a series of larger matisse's, and one of them had the lemon/spoon/water platter in the corner. i was tickled.
there was also a courbet nude and my mother was surprised that it showed vagina. tonight i showed her l'origine du monde. she thought it was interesting. i showed my dad and he rolled his eyes.
i gave my mom thomas and sara's numbers. there are lots of people!
the sense of isolation here on the floor sums up nicely in the climate control. though it's below 40 outside, this monster of the building has temperature issues worked out so that we have the air conditioning on up here. it feels nice.
at the barnes foundation there was one painting i particularly liked. a little matisse with a lemon, a spoon and a glass of water on a platter. i sketched it roughly in my notebook (despite being asked not to by the rules). later we passed a series of larger matisse's, and one of them had the lemon/spoon/water platter in the corner. i was tickled.
there was also a courbet nude and my mother was surprised that it showed vagina. tonight i showed her l'origine du monde. she thought it was interesting. i showed my dad and he rolled his eyes.
i gave my mom thomas and sara's numbers. there are lots of people!
16.11.07
connaître son épreuve
from this room i can see the ben franklin bridge over the delaware. the PSFS building looms (philadelphia science fiction society? philadelphia savings fund society.)
this is the first time i've been alone with my parents since. a long time. probably summer 2006. after 4th of july and before granny and poppa came to live with us. before i went to france.
the cavs won. nicholas cage won (dad was watching national treasure). i have the race course map open in the background. i ran into eranda and pavel at the convention. i might try and run with them for a while.
the 15th floor (box) is interesting because it's a vantage point but removed. the room is split in half, my parents on one side and me on the other. it feels overweight in their direction, like i'm not enough mind and body to hold this side down. i didn't feel like that in the caribbean in a double bed on the bow end of the starboard side. that reminds me, i should look through my old notebooks when i go home next week. this is the first time i'm looking forward to going home in a while.
the deeper of the cuts on my hand closed up and started hurting today. i think that means it's getting better, rather than worse. does looking in an open cut count as introspection? (no)
this unbalance in the room could be offset if my aunt and uncle come tomorrow. i think they will. and we're going to the barnes foundation and something romana for dinner. supposèdly it's a good italian restaurant. i'll have to exercise restraint not to eat wrong for the race. i think i can do that. i think i will do that.
speaking of thinking and willing and doing: post, read (fowles), sleep.
this is the first time i've been alone with my parents since. a long time. probably summer 2006. after 4th of july and before granny and poppa came to live with us. before i went to france.
the cavs won. nicholas cage won (dad was watching national treasure). i have the race course map open in the background. i ran into eranda and pavel at the convention. i might try and run with them for a while.
the 15th floor (box) is interesting because it's a vantage point but removed. the room is split in half, my parents on one side and me on the other. it feels overweight in their direction, like i'm not enough mind and body to hold this side down. i didn't feel like that in the caribbean in a double bed on the bow end of the starboard side. that reminds me, i should look through my old notebooks when i go home next week. this is the first time i'm looking forward to going home in a while.
the deeper of the cuts on my hand closed up and started hurting today. i think that means it's getting better, rather than worse. does looking in an open cut count as introspection? (no)
this unbalance in the room could be offset if my aunt and uncle come tomorrow. i think they will. and we're going to the barnes foundation and something romana for dinner. supposèdly it's a good italian restaurant. i'll have to exercise restraint not to eat wrong for the race. i think i can do that. i think i will do that.
speaking of thinking and willing and doing: post, read (fowles), sleep.
11.11.07
this could easily involve 11 different airports
Hey Uncle Charlie,
I'm going to go ahead and apologize in advance for what's going to be a ridiculous e-mail no matter how i slice it. I've been trying to work out winter break travel plans and it's going to be a complicated string of flights. I'm looking to fly home after exams, then out to California after Christmas, then to Algiers (?!) after new years, then back to school. I'll be doing some of this travel in conjunction with my parents, but I'm working out flights independently because the round trips are off anyways.
Here's (tentatively) what I'm trying to do:
12/15 (SAT) HBG-CLE
i could potentially make a friday evening flight, but in that case i can't count on getting to the airport before 6. the other wrinkle is i might have a ride to the philly airport on sunday. i'm not sure of that though, so i figure we go with saturday and harrisburg for right now and we can mess with things later if we have to.
12/26 (WED) CLE-SNA
the only condition is that i arrive at a time that ruthie can pick me up, i.e. after 5. if that's not going to work out i can arrange alternate transportation. also, if push comes to shove, i could go to LAX, it's just less convenient. lastly, this date is flexible insofar as if it's a lot cheaper i could go out thursday or friday with my parents.
1/2 (WED) SNA-ALG
this is the big question mark. there are a million itineraries possible, and i'm definitely willing to be flexible about going out of LAX (or burbank?) if it'll help. there are no direct flights from the US to Algeria, so i'll probably go through CDG or FRA. i'm flexible with dates as well.
1/13 (SUN) ALG-EWR?
i lied. this is the big question mark, since it depends in part on plans i haven't made yet. on the other hand, having a good idea of what's possible will help me settle plans. i'll likely be being picked up by a friend who i'll stay with until i go back to school. I'm flexible with travel dates here too, but as far as this and the last flight go, i'd prefer to be in Algiers about 10 days whichever happens, with a preference towards a longer stay.
i'd really appreciate any suggestions you might have with any of these flights. I'm sorry to foist such a knotty itinerary on you, but any help you can be will be greatly appreciated.
I'm going to go ahead and apologize in advance for what's going to be a ridiculous e-mail no matter how i slice it. I've been trying to work out winter break travel plans and it's going to be a complicated string of flights. I'm looking to fly home after exams, then out to California after Christmas, then to Algiers (?!) after new years, then back to school. I'll be doing some of this travel in conjunction with my parents, but I'm working out flights independently because the round trips are off anyways.
Here's (tentatively) what I'm trying to do:
12/15 (SAT) HBG-CLE
i could potentially make a friday evening flight, but in that case i can't count on getting to the airport before 6. the other wrinkle is i might have a ride to the philly airport on sunday. i'm not sure of that though, so i figure we go with saturday and harrisburg for right now and we can mess with things later if we have to.
12/26 (WED) CLE-SNA
the only condition is that i arrive at a time that ruthie can pick me up, i.e. after 5. if that's not going to work out i can arrange alternate transportation. also, if push comes to shove, i could go to LAX, it's just less convenient. lastly, this date is flexible insofar as if it's a lot cheaper i could go out thursday or friday with my parents.
1/2 (WED) SNA-ALG
this is the big question mark. there are a million itineraries possible, and i'm definitely willing to be flexible about going out of LAX (or burbank?) if it'll help. there are no direct flights from the US to Algeria, so i'll probably go through CDG or FRA. i'm flexible with dates as well.
1/13 (SUN) ALG-EWR?
i lied. this is the big question mark, since it depends in part on plans i haven't made yet. on the other hand, having a good idea of what's possible will help me settle plans. i'll likely be being picked up by a friend who i'll stay with until i go back to school. I'm flexible with travel dates here too, but as far as this and the last flight go, i'd prefer to be in Algiers about 10 days whichever happens, with a preference towards a longer stay.
i'd really appreciate any suggestions you might have with any of these flights. I'm sorry to foist such a knotty itinerary on you, but any help you can be will be greatly appreciated.
rambling and a thing
here's to some more agitation. i have a couple specific things to be doing now, but i've been thwarted enough to sit around in it. i'm trying to put together my travels for the winter, but i'm not firm on how it's all going down and the people who know things (i.e. my parents) are off the radar. i'm also behind on my correspondence (on one hand, who isn't?) and have a bit of work. i might make the work wait, now that i think of it. not the best idea but it'll work.
here's a thing:
for a while after i went running i had a heat surplus. i was sitting on my bed in the cold in my shorts and shirt and pumping heat into the air around me. the boundary of my heat was outside of me. i was entirely enveloped. now it's reversed and i'm poking holes in the space i've made warm. my fingers are sticking through and my toes and parts of my arms. this is one way that running is good. it doesn't feel good to be cold like this.
here's a thing:
for a while after i went running i had a heat surplus. i was sitting on my bed in the cold in my shorts and shirt and pumping heat into the air around me. the boundary of my heat was outside of me. i was entirely enveloped. now it's reversed and i'm poking holes in the space i've made warm. my fingers are sticking through and my toes and parts of my arms. this is one way that running is good. it doesn't feel good to be cold like this.
10.11.07
this was supposed to be the first of two posts
i never said anything about the farm. it was a funny situation, coming at the peak of my indifference towards what will happen next year. the story takes place just after i posted the ten minute post.
when i got out to my car in the morning after sleeping a lot, the year's first frost was on the windshield. kids were arriving at wharton as i drove by. i waited for a while while a bunch of them crossed the street in front of my car. by the time i got out to ephrata, the frost was only in the shadows of trees and buildings. no one was outside at the farm, so i walked over to the fence and watched the black horse eat grass. i called david and he said he was eating breakfast. he told me to come in. the horse came over and i rubbed the side of its head and neck. the horse turned and faced me the other way, so i petted the other side. i found the whispering satisfactory. maybe they had something there.
david was finishing a bowl of raisin bran and he went to get dressed to go outside. gavillan was asking him about going to a friend's house or a birthing or something and maggie and oliver took me into the other room. we asked each other questions and they showed me things. they had me climb onto the top bunk of the bed in their playrooom with them. maggie opened a secret cupboard and brought out a book and asked me to read from it. after i was done she pulled another book out and asked me to read that too. at the end, oliver asked me to read the story backward. i started, but then i asked if i should read it page by page or word by word. they replied "word for word" together, so i did.
while we were cutting kale, david was telling me about his work. he eventually asked me what i wanted to know, what i wanted to learn. i knew what he meant, that it was an uncomplicated question, but i still took a moment to work through it. i told him it was a bigger question than he knew he'd asked. i said that i didn't know about so much else, that i was just there because it felt good. apparently it was the right answer cause he warmed right up to it. i told him the fascination with farming was as much with farmers, who are, in my experience, an interesting class of peaceful people. it came to my attention later that the other thing about farming is that it's transparent. the benefits are right there. a good education is useful, but you can't taste it the same way.
i shared a cookie with david as we worked through lunch. we picked kale, two types of radicchio, baby boc choi, escarole and green leaf lettuce. more than 1000 heads in all. i took a head of baby boc choi home for dinner.
after the truck left, peggy invited me in for a bowl of ice cream. everyone but david sat and ate. david came in and we were talking. he said i could work for him all the time. i said i'd let him know, especially about next summer. i'm busy for the next few weeks but i hope i'll at least be out there again before winter break. there's more to talk about, if nothing else.
amsterdam isn't what it used to be
when i got out to my car in the morning after sleeping a lot, the year's first frost was on the windshield. kids were arriving at wharton as i drove by. i waited for a while while a bunch of them crossed the street in front of my car. by the time i got out to ephrata, the frost was only in the shadows of trees and buildings. no one was outside at the farm, so i walked over to the fence and watched the black horse eat grass. i called david and he said he was eating breakfast. he told me to come in. the horse came over and i rubbed the side of its head and neck. the horse turned and faced me the other way, so i petted the other side. i found the whispering satisfactory. maybe they had something there.
david was finishing a bowl of raisin bran and he went to get dressed to go outside. gavillan was asking him about going to a friend's house or a birthing or something and maggie and oliver took me into the other room. we asked each other questions and they showed me things. they had me climb onto the top bunk of the bed in their playrooom with them. maggie opened a secret cupboard and brought out a book and asked me to read from it. after i was done she pulled another book out and asked me to read that too. at the end, oliver asked me to read the story backward. i started, but then i asked if i should read it page by page or word by word. they replied "word for word" together, so i did.
while we were cutting kale, david was telling me about his work. he eventually asked me what i wanted to know, what i wanted to learn. i knew what he meant, that it was an uncomplicated question, but i still took a moment to work through it. i told him it was a bigger question than he knew he'd asked. i said that i didn't know about so much else, that i was just there because it felt good. apparently it was the right answer cause he warmed right up to it. i told him the fascination with farming was as much with farmers, who are, in my experience, an interesting class of peaceful people. it came to my attention later that the other thing about farming is that it's transparent. the benefits are right there. a good education is useful, but you can't taste it the same way.
i shared a cookie with david as we worked through lunch. we picked kale, two types of radicchio, baby boc choi, escarole and green leaf lettuce. more than 1000 heads in all. i took a head of baby boc choi home for dinner.
after the truck left, peggy invited me in for a bowl of ice cream. everyone but david sat and ate. david came in and we were talking. he said i could work for him all the time. i said i'd let him know, especially about next summer. i'm busy for the next few weeks but i hope i'll at least be out there again before winter break. there's more to talk about, if nothing else.
amsterdam isn't what it used to be
this was supposed to be the second of two posts
splitting the arrow: last night sara and i went to final fantasy. owen played a bunch of stuff from his cds and a couple tracks that weren't. he played peach plum pear and made fun of the opener (cadence weapon) for doing a joy division cover. he was hilarious. polite. a better musician and singer than his cds give him credit for.
having seen this picture of him on the r5 site when i bought tickets, i was telling sara on the way out of panera that i was hoping he'd dress like robin hood for the show. that or wear a headband. he did neither, but at one point he tucked his bow down the back of his shirt to play a line on the keyboard. after he was done, he drew it like an arrow from a quiver. the imagery was all there.
between sets, sara called her parents to wish them a happy anniversary. her mom said she should come home for the night. it's about the same distance to her house as back to school. we had to get back to paint the kitchen floor at crispus attucks for oxfam, so it didn't seem practical. somehow we ended up talking about going to her house, then up to connecticut today to see michelle/sameer and then home sunday. i knew i was too tired for it at the time, but we still explored. that and we were both supposed to drive people to the shelter and back. and get supplies. and lead the event. and when it comes down to it, i'm irresponsible, but not stubbornly so.
at the meeting place this morning, sara and i both showed up with our cars, but no one else did. in the night, fire alarms went off in south ben, displacing half the people who were supposed to work with us. i thought it was funny that an unsteady living situation made people less compassionate the the plight of the homeless. or something. it wasn't a huge job anyways; it was done in a couple hours. we're going back tomorrow (maybe with a crew?) to put on a second coat and touch up.
we cleaned the brushes off in my bathtub, which was already stained from other paint. i'll clean it eventually. i got inspired, while i was in the bathroom, to clean out thomas's sink. to my knowledge, it had never been cleaned, and the combination of a deep basin and weak water pressure made for some pretty nasty build up. all the scum and crust came off with a sponge and some comet, and now it's blue again. it's pretty.
today was thomas's orchestra show. they played copland and dvorak. thomas was complaining about neither piece having a good trombone part. he likes the dvorak better though. we were joking about how well he played his rests, but it turns out he was holding in coughs for the last three movements, so not so inaccurate.
i just picked some potato crust off the side of my computer. i'm going to sleep.
8.11.07
ten minutes post
i'm leaving for the farm in ten minutes. here's talking about what i would be talking about, instead of just saying it.
last night i had two dreams, which is what i get for going to bed early. the first was at lake ridge. i met mr. fouts between the music mod and the business office (the old places, not where they are now) and we walked across the playground (instinct says quad?) toward the kindergarten classrooms. the crc. we ran across sara and corinne and jj walking from brown hall to the lower school. the youngers had backpacks. i guess they went to school there. we waved (on s'est fait un geste). when we got to the crc i left mr. fouts and walked into the library, which was suddenly old. i can't place where i got the images, but it was dark and stone and wrought iron. in disrepair rather than majestic and historic. i went from place to place yelling. i walked to a clouded mirror and yelled at my reflection. the sign by the mirror indicated that blind people saw ghosts in the reflection there. i yelled at people coming down the stairs. i woke up (around 2).
in the second dream, laura chun and someone else (kristen? kim?) were riding down a river with me on a raft which then became a hard hull normal speedboat. we stopped at a riverside cabin and were poking around. there was a dog. i took a banana. i got paranoid and looked around outside. a coast guard boat was coming around the bend to arrest us for trespassing. i pushed the boat off and dove into the water. i woke up (around 445).
there was a third. maybe a fourth too. one at sara's house. it was a big manor house and her cats were oversized too. i wandered in the rooms. on second thought, it was also more like a church. or at least like my dream churches. i don't remember it so well.
the last had a tower with a big elevator, even a train to ascend. it was like the cn tower in that the point was just to be tall. it was over water and divers went off the top and ripped into the water. an amateur tried and missed the mark, apparently wounding her/himself. he/she seemed to worse for wear, though and came up the tower again. but at the top, s/he just comforted her mother for having died. s/he flew off the tower again, this time for real, apparently. there was trouble getting down. i ended up at a train depot, then a secret café in the belly of the tower. at some point i woke up. it was 650. i turned off my alarm and got up.
i didn't say everything. but that's how it goes.
last night i had two dreams, which is what i get for going to bed early. the first was at lake ridge. i met mr. fouts between the music mod and the business office (the old places, not where they are now) and we walked across the playground (instinct says quad?) toward the kindergarten classrooms. the crc. we ran across sara and corinne and jj walking from brown hall to the lower school. the youngers had backpacks. i guess they went to school there. we waved (on s'est fait un geste). when we got to the crc i left mr. fouts and walked into the library, which was suddenly old. i can't place where i got the images, but it was dark and stone and wrought iron. in disrepair rather than majestic and historic. i went from place to place yelling. i walked to a clouded mirror and yelled at my reflection. the sign by the mirror indicated that blind people saw ghosts in the reflection there. i yelled at people coming down the stairs. i woke up (around 2).
in the second dream, laura chun and someone else (kristen? kim?) were riding down a river with me on a raft which then became a hard hull normal speedboat. we stopped at a riverside cabin and were poking around. there was a dog. i took a banana. i got paranoid and looked around outside. a coast guard boat was coming around the bend to arrest us for trespassing. i pushed the boat off and dove into the water. i woke up (around 445).
there was a third. maybe a fourth too. one at sara's house. it was a big manor house and her cats were oversized too. i wandered in the rooms. on second thought, it was also more like a church. or at least like my dream churches. i don't remember it so well.
the last had a tower with a big elevator, even a train to ascend. it was like the cn tower in that the point was just to be tall. it was over water and divers went off the top and ripped into the water. an amateur tried and missed the mark, apparently wounding her/himself. he/she seemed to worse for wear, though and came up the tower again. but at the top, s/he just comforted her mother for having died. s/he flew off the tower again, this time for real, apparently. there was trouble getting down. i ended up at a train depot, then a secret café in the belly of the tower. at some point i woke up. it was 650. i turned off my alarm and got up.
i didn't say everything. but that's how it goes.
6.11.07
(S''=x smells like y)
the dispatch is done (supposèdly) and it's better than the last one.
i worked on the from the editors with tim. my contributions were the structure. i talked about the time mikey asked if he could have something to drink and how, when he opened my fridge he was all "dude, all you have is Ortega chunky." i talked about the same day when mikey said "cooking oil is thicker than water" when he was tired of the idea of duty to family. it's not the blood after all. lastly, i talked about when mikio's grandmother's cat swallowed a sewing needle and died.
today i was thinking about how hard i'm having to fight the impulse to be indifferent right now. it might be a permanent thing, but at least for now what i need to do now is sleep. i'll gère that soon enough. then i might need a break. i think thanksgiving will be relaxing (in ways it wasn't freshman year, for example [which is funny since i didn't have a break at all last year and it wasn't so bad. then again, france is a funny place like that]). then i dont know.
this is what i'm taking about: (∀x)Sxx
i worked on the from the editors with tim. my contributions were the structure. i talked about the time mikey asked if he could have something to drink and how, when he opened my fridge he was all "dude, all you have is Ortega chunky." i talked about the same day when mikey said "cooking oil is thicker than water" when he was tired of the idea of duty to family. it's not the blood after all. lastly, i talked about when mikio's grandmother's cat swallowed a sewing needle and died.
today i was thinking about how hard i'm having to fight the impulse to be indifferent right now. it might be a permanent thing, but at least for now what i need to do now is sleep. i'll gère that soon enough. then i might need a break. i think thanksgiving will be relaxing (in ways it wasn't freshman year, for example [which is funny since i didn't have a break at all last year and it wasn't so bad. then again, france is a funny place like that]). then i dont know.
this is what i'm taking about: (∀x)Sxx
4.11.07
(correspondances)
two reasons to post this: indirect discourse -and- keeping of drafts (they're paper, after all).
Hello Uncle Rick,
I was happy to get you letter and article—Thanks for sending! It was interesting to compare my impressions with the author's. Her's were somewhat better researched and sometimes a questions of budget (I didn't spend much time in the art galleries—I spent more time drinking wine with friends on the banks of the river, like the packs of restless youth she describes!)
School has been good this semester. I'm taking, in math, analysis and topology, along with symbolic logic (which counts as philosophy). My other class is an independent study of the work of Albert Camus in the French dept. My courses have been challenging, but I keep surprising myself by getting good grades. Not complaining!
In a couple of weeks my parents are coming down so my dad and I can run the Philadelphia marathon. I'm not as ready as i could be but I think I'll be alright. I tried to go for a longer run (~20mi.) today but I got bored after the first 6 miles, so I ran one very fast (~6min)) and another 5-6mi. as cool down, then i stopped. It's hard to pace oneseld sometimes. Hopefully I'm more patient on raceday.
In other news:
—I'm starting a new internship/job at a local farm. I start this thursday; I think we're harvesting leaf lettuce.
—I'm dating a new girl: Sara. She's nice; We have fun.
—With my independent study I'm traveling to Algeria over winter break. Camus lived there and a lot of his work takes place there, so i thought it would be a good idea to check it out.
I think that's about it, other than the really self-indulgent things I could say (What music I'm listening to, my recent obsession with pizza and reese's peanut butter cups....)
so, I wish you well.
++
———
On that other sheet of paper I put a bunch of stuff about me, but that's not all there is to say. I spend a good amount (by which i mean maybe more than you think) of time thinking about you. A couple of times I've brought up your page on the BOP website. It says your name, age, sex, race and January 4, 2016.
That's far enough away that it almost seems mean to mention it. eight years and a couple odd months. At the same time, it's something definite. Less abstract than something further down the road, for example. But if I was talking about getting restless and bored in the first five miles of a 20 mile run, I can't imagine your position. As far as that goes, I'm sorry if i'm being cumbersome (or something). I've been practicing saying what I'm thinking recently, and here's where I land.
Anyways, Camus writes a lot about imprisonment and exile—how they overlap and are the same—and while you're pretty firmly (unambiguously, that is) imprisoned right now, there's still this society (octopus, if you will) of people who care about you and to whome you forever belong. So when you come back we'll be ready. You can do what you want but you don't have to do anything alone. I'm not saying you'll have specific trouble—you're an extremely competent and useful person—rather, it wouldnt be imposing on me (us) if you need anything. It's clear that, law or no, your imprisonment is unfair. The enemy has never been you.
The other thing that's some up this semester for Camus is the indifference of the world (esp. the natural world). Camus thinks it's beautiful (He calls out the absurd [Myth of Sisyphus]), but Sartre hates it. He says that the fact that trees don't care makes him nauseous. He sees their roots brutally gripping into the ground.
I think trees are rather godlike. They can't care but they can be caring—by which I mean a tree is incapable of experiencing emotion but if you let it it will take care of you. Trees are indifferent to evil—perfectly unflinching in the face of injustice—which makes sense since there is evil in the world. Trees don't restrict our freedom in any way except for the fact that they exist. Trees are hard to deny, ridiculous to say no to. They aren't asking any questions. They world may be cruel, and the people here may not make things much better, but I was born here, and I'd feel exiled anywhere else.
Hello Uncle Rick,
I was happy to get you letter and article—Thanks for sending! It was interesting to compare my impressions with the author's. Her's were somewhat better researched and sometimes a questions of budget (I didn't spend much time in the art galleries—I spent more time drinking wine with friends on the banks of the river, like the packs of restless youth she describes!)
School has been good this semester. I'm taking, in math, analysis and topology, along with symbolic logic (which counts as philosophy). My other class is an independent study of the work of Albert Camus in the French dept. My courses have been challenging, but I keep surprising myself by getting good grades. Not complaining!
In a couple of weeks my parents are coming down so my dad and I can run the Philadelphia marathon. I'm not as ready as i could be but I think I'll be alright. I tried to go for a longer run (~20mi.) today but I got bored after the first 6 miles, so I ran one very fast (~6min)) and another 5-6mi. as cool down, then i stopped. It's hard to pace oneseld sometimes. Hopefully I'm more patient on raceday.
In other news:
—I'm starting a new internship/job at a local farm. I start this thursday; I think we're harvesting leaf lettuce.
—I'm dating a new girl: Sara. She's nice; We have fun.
—With my independent study I'm traveling to Algeria over winter break. Camus lived there and a lot of his work takes place there, so i thought it would be a good idea to check it out.
I think that's about it, other than the really self-indulgent things I could say (What music I'm listening to, my recent obsession with pizza and reese's peanut butter cups....)
so, I wish you well.
++
———
On that other sheet of paper I put a bunch of stuff about me, but that's not all there is to say. I spend a good amount (by which i mean maybe more than you think) of time thinking about you. A couple of times I've brought up your page on the BOP website. It says your name, age, sex, race and January 4, 2016.
That's far enough away that it almost seems mean to mention it. eight years and a couple odd months. At the same time, it's something definite. Less abstract than something further down the road, for example. But if I was talking about getting restless and bored in the first five miles of a 20 mile run, I can't imagine your position. As far as that goes, I'm sorry if i'm being cumbersome (or something). I've been practicing saying what I'm thinking recently, and here's where I land.
Anyways, Camus writes a lot about imprisonment and exile—how they overlap and are the same—and while you're pretty firmly (unambiguously, that is) imprisoned right now, there's still this society (octopus, if you will) of people who care about you and to whome you forever belong. So when you come back we'll be ready. You can do what you want but you don't have to do anything alone. I'm not saying you'll have specific trouble—you're an extremely competent and useful person—rather, it wouldnt be imposing on me (us) if you need anything. It's clear that, law or no, your imprisonment is unfair. The enemy has never been you.
The other thing that's some up this semester for Camus is the indifference of the world (esp. the natural world). Camus thinks it's beautiful (He calls out the absurd [Myth of Sisyphus]), but Sartre hates it. He says that the fact that trees don't care makes him nauseous. He sees their roots brutally gripping into the ground.
I think trees are rather godlike. They can't care but they can be caring—by which I mean a tree is incapable of experiencing emotion but if you let it it will take care of you. Trees are indifferent to evil—perfectly unflinching in the face of injustice—which makes sense since there is evil in the world. Trees don't restrict our freedom in any way except for the fact that they exist. Trees are hard to deny, ridiculous to say no to. They aren't asking any questions. They world may be cruel, and the people here may not make things much better, but I was born here, and I'd feel exiled anywhere else.
29.10.07
still not asleep
(28-29)
Un degré plus bas et voici l'étrangeté : s'apercevoir que le monde est « épais », entrevoir à quel point une pierre est étrangère, nous est irréductible, avec quel intensité la nature, un paysage peut nous nier. Au fond de toute beauté gît quelque chose d'inhumain et ces collines, la douceur du ciel, ces dessins d'arbres, voici qu'à la minute même, ils perdent le sens illusoire dont nous les revêtions, désormais plus lointains qu'un paradis perdu. L'hostilité primitive du monde, à travers les millénaires, remonte vers nous. Pour une seconde, nous ne le comprenons plus puisque pendant des siècles nous n'avons compris en lui que les figures et les dessins que préalablement nous y mettions, puisque désormais les forces nous manquent pour user cet artifice. Le monde nous échappe puisqu'il redevient lui-même. Ces décors masqués par l'habitude redeviennent ce qu'ils sont. Ils s'éloignent de nous. De même qu'il est des jours où sous le visage familier d'une femme, on retrouve comme une étrangère celle qu'on avait aimée il y a des mois ou des années, peut-être allons-nous désirer même ce qui nous rend soudain si seuls. Mais le temps n'est pas encore venu. Une seule chose : cette épaisseur et cette étrangeté du monde, c'est l'absurde.
Go one step further and discover this oddity: to glimpse the world as "dense", to understand a stone as something foreign and irreductible to us, to grasp the intensity with which nature, a landscape can negate us. The inhuman lies at the core of all beauty, and as soon as we see these hills, the softness of the sky, the patterns on the trees, as such, the illusory meaning in which we've clothed them falls away, leaving them more remote than a paradise lost. the primordial hostility of the world rears up at at from across the millenia. For a moment, we fail to understand, since, for centuries, we've only understood the world in terms of drafts and diagrams that we had ourselves imposed. we find our trickery impotent. In its true form, the world escapes us. The scenery, hidden in the folds of our conventions and routine, reveals itself for that which it's always been. This background is distant and cold to us. All the same, on certain days we can fail to recognize a familiar face, even one that we've loved for months or years, so it's possible that we'll even come to desire the very thing that makes us alone. but that time hasn't yet come. This so called density, the foreignness of the world: that's the absurd.
Un degré plus bas et voici l'étrangeté : s'apercevoir que le monde est « épais », entrevoir à quel point une pierre est étrangère, nous est irréductible, avec quel intensité la nature, un paysage peut nous nier. Au fond de toute beauté gît quelque chose d'inhumain et ces collines, la douceur du ciel, ces dessins d'arbres, voici qu'à la minute même, ils perdent le sens illusoire dont nous les revêtions, désormais plus lointains qu'un paradis perdu. L'hostilité primitive du monde, à travers les millénaires, remonte vers nous. Pour une seconde, nous ne le comprenons plus puisque pendant des siècles nous n'avons compris en lui que les figures et les dessins que préalablement nous y mettions, puisque désormais les forces nous manquent pour user cet artifice. Le monde nous échappe puisqu'il redevient lui-même. Ces décors masqués par l'habitude redeviennent ce qu'ils sont. Ils s'éloignent de nous. De même qu'il est des jours où sous le visage familier d'une femme, on retrouve comme une étrangère celle qu'on avait aimée il y a des mois ou des années, peut-être allons-nous désirer même ce qui nous rend soudain si seuls. Mais le temps n'est pas encore venu. Une seule chose : cette épaisseur et cette étrangeté du monde, c'est l'absurde.
Go one step further and discover this oddity: to glimpse the world as "dense", to understand a stone as something foreign and irreductible to us, to grasp the intensity with which nature, a landscape can negate us. The inhuman lies at the core of all beauty, and as soon as we see these hills, the softness of the sky, the patterns on the trees, as such, the illusory meaning in which we've clothed them falls away, leaving them more remote than a paradise lost. the primordial hostility of the world rears up at at from across the millenia. For a moment, we fail to understand, since, for centuries, we've only understood the world in terms of drafts and diagrams that we had ourselves imposed. we find our trickery impotent. In its true form, the world escapes us. The scenery, hidden in the folds of our conventions and routine, reveals itself for that which it's always been. This background is distant and cold to us. All the same, on certain days we can fail to recognize a familiar face, even one that we've loved for months or years, so it's possible that we'll even come to desire the very thing that makes us alone. but that time hasn't yet come. This so called density, the foreignness of the world: that's the absurd.
27.10.07
that which flows and that which stays. it made the choice to form a standing wave.
there comes a point where out of body experiences aren't just a fanciful choice on my part. all i'm saying is you might do it too.
sara stayed here last night after ice cream and monty python's meaning of life. we didn't sleep much, and when i did i dreamed in french.
the morning was bad, but it could have been worse. in analysis, for the second time this semester, i found myself drawing a flatlining ekg instead of taking notes. with a minute left in class, it was pointed out that there was a glaring flaw in the proof being presented. ten minutes was taken to correct it. i was late to my meeting to talk about la peste.
but then, so was she. she said she was off her game. i didnt say that i was too. i'd finished the book. i could speak to it. i went home and ate some cereal and slept. run for your life came on to finish my nap. it's every song by the beatles in a row sped up eight times. it's a little over an hour long. nothing was bad after that. come to think of it, nothing was bad after analysis.
all day it was raining. each time i came outside it was raining harder. it felt good. i was listening to twelve fold chain on the way to topology and kristen was in front of me walking to the museum. she saw me when she turned her head to look both ways before crossing the street.
all day i was having trouble deciding which language to express myself in. it must have been partially gearing up for my meeting and dreaming in french and not having slept. mostly the space between my head and the world. this would become more marked later.
in topology, we talked about index and content. i just liked seeing content written on the board so many times.
like i say, it was raining harder when i got out of class. i listened to twelve fold chain again. i went to sara's to pick up an eye pencil to complete my thomas costume. we downloaded and watched the office. i left a little after five.
thomas and i got into costume and went to the math party. i wore thomas' undershirt and my favorite shirt of his. i took a popsicle box from the freezer as a prop and made a necklace out of paper clips. i cut a cross out of a notecard and drew jesus to make it a crucifix. i hooked it on the paper clip chain and tucked the whole business between my shirts. i drew extra body hair with the eye pencil, starting with sprouting neck hair and enhanced arms and thickened eyebrows. it's been a while since i've dressed up and it came off pretty well. thomas wore my '60 isn't usually this sexy' shirt and borrowed my red notebook, which i finished this week. the gold of his costume was how he acted like me. at kathan's party he'd do the flapping hands thing and got really excited when people i like walked in and said awkward things. it was nice to watch my work get done without having to do it. it was also a way of being separated from myself.
i was given occasion to be smug at the math party when profs nimersheim and ressler were talking about a route they like to bike out east of lancaster. it's a 14 mile course through fields and farms, and they were telling me about how nice it is. i told them that i knew that route. i do it on foot, though. i agreed that it's nice, at least.
it was raining even harder when i went from kathan's party to the arts house party. i tried calling rachel and my sister but they weren't there. i listened to twelve fold chain and found the people i knew at the party. i didn't stay long, though.
sara stayed here last night after ice cream and monty python's meaning of life. we didn't sleep much, and when i did i dreamed in french.
the morning was bad, but it could have been worse. in analysis, for the second time this semester, i found myself drawing a flatlining ekg instead of taking notes. with a minute left in class, it was pointed out that there was a glaring flaw in the proof being presented. ten minutes was taken to correct it. i was late to my meeting to talk about la peste.
but then, so was she. she said she was off her game. i didnt say that i was too. i'd finished the book. i could speak to it. i went home and ate some cereal and slept. run for your life came on to finish my nap. it's every song by the beatles in a row sped up eight times. it's a little over an hour long. nothing was bad after that. come to think of it, nothing was bad after analysis.
all day it was raining. each time i came outside it was raining harder. it felt good. i was listening to twelve fold chain on the way to topology and kristen was in front of me walking to the museum. she saw me when she turned her head to look both ways before crossing the street.
all day i was having trouble deciding which language to express myself in. it must have been partially gearing up for my meeting and dreaming in french and not having slept. mostly the space between my head and the world. this would become more marked later.
in topology, we talked about index and content. i just liked seeing content written on the board so many times.
like i say, it was raining harder when i got out of class. i listened to twelve fold chain again. i went to sara's to pick up an eye pencil to complete my thomas costume. we downloaded and watched the office. i left a little after five.
thomas and i got into costume and went to the math party. i wore thomas' undershirt and my favorite shirt of his. i took a popsicle box from the freezer as a prop and made a necklace out of paper clips. i cut a cross out of a notecard and drew jesus to make it a crucifix. i hooked it on the paper clip chain and tucked the whole business between my shirts. i drew extra body hair with the eye pencil, starting with sprouting neck hair and enhanced arms and thickened eyebrows. it's been a while since i've dressed up and it came off pretty well. thomas wore my '60 isn't usually this sexy' shirt and borrowed my red notebook, which i finished this week. the gold of his costume was how he acted like me. at kathan's party he'd do the flapping hands thing and got really excited when people i like walked in and said awkward things. it was nice to watch my work get done without having to do it. it was also a way of being separated from myself.
i was given occasion to be smug at the math party when profs nimersheim and ressler were talking about a route they like to bike out east of lancaster. it's a 14 mile course through fields and farms, and they were telling me about how nice it is. i told them that i knew that route. i do it on foot, though. i agreed that it's nice, at least.
it was raining even harder when i went from kathan's party to the arts house party. i tried calling rachel and my sister but they weren't there. i listened to twelve fold chain and found the people i knew at the party. i didn't stay long, though.
23.10.07
21.10.07
still not the thing
i'm agitated again, which makes it hard to work. to do anything, mostly.
today i woke up tired and ran tired. there wasn't very much blood making it up to my brain, so i didn't try and think too much. my heart didn't hurt very much. maybe it's getting back in shape. there are delays in scheduling in the medical profession but not in my life, so unless i die i'll probably get better before anyone can do anything about it. this is one way of being impatient.
i've been reading the zumdahl calculus book and surprising myself at how much of it i understand. it's true that i have forgotten almost everything i learned when i took the course, but it's also the case that i understand a lot of the important stuff, stuff that was too subtle for me, and in the end nonessential, the first time around. it's an interesting point of view shift to think of calculus as compact, having distinct boundaries that can be held in two hands.
tim sent out the dispatch submissions the other day and i just got down to reading them now. the main problem is that there aren't enough submissions. i know we can drum some more up, but it means that we'll probably have to print stuff that either isn't edited enough or isn't really worth printing. i'm saying only two of the articles we got have potential. one of them is potentially brilliant, though, so i'm excited about that. i sent a terse e-mail to tim saying i'd work on it.
today i woke up tired and ran tired. there wasn't very much blood making it up to my brain, so i didn't try and think too much. my heart didn't hurt very much. maybe it's getting back in shape. there are delays in scheduling in the medical profession but not in my life, so unless i die i'll probably get better before anyone can do anything about it. this is one way of being impatient.
i've been reading the zumdahl calculus book and surprising myself at how much of it i understand. it's true that i have forgotten almost everything i learned when i took the course, but it's also the case that i understand a lot of the important stuff, stuff that was too subtle for me, and in the end nonessential, the first time around. it's an interesting point of view shift to think of calculus as compact, having distinct boundaries that can be held in two hands.
tim sent out the dispatch submissions the other day and i just got down to reading them now. the main problem is that there aren't enough submissions. i know we can drum some more up, but it means that we'll probably have to print stuff that either isn't edited enough or isn't really worth printing. i'm saying only two of the articles we got have potential. one of them is potentially brilliant, though, so i'm excited about that. i sent a terse e-mail to tim saying i'd work on it.
finger on the pulse
there's a big idea in here somewhere.
the day wasn't so different than what i said, just substitute sara for black pyramid. it worked out better that way timing wise. i came and left for my run through the back door, so i it was only when i was leaving to go walk with sara that i found my package from amazon in the vestibule.
it was:
-algeria travel guide
-the night starts here (stars)
-population (the most serene republic)
i dont think i particularly need to specify why those are exciting.
but like i say. everything goes according to plan. i'm sleeping - more later (that big thing i said...yeah)
the day wasn't so different than what i said, just substitute sara for black pyramid. it worked out better that way timing wise. i came and left for my run through the back door, so i it was only when i was leaving to go walk with sara that i found my package from amazon in the vestibule.
it was:
-algeria travel guide
-the night starts here (stars)
-population (the most serene republic)
i dont think i particularly need to specify why those are exciting.
but like i say. everything goes according to plan. i'm sleeping - more later (that big thing i said...yeah)
20.10.07
last night: inconsistent tenses
-rain (which, in the case of thomas, refers to the korean popstar)
-seven pounds of raw meat in the freezer (5 beef, 2 chicken. we'll have to get on that)
-splayed on the couch feeling good in a body, enough so that i didnt mind watching two and a half men (to be fair, it may well be the best thing on. i still can't really get my head around thomas watching it daily)
-shopping for the lock-in with rob, jacqui, dierdre and thomas. more rain, cramped back seat and aldi. we stop at the other room on the way home to drop the stuff off for tomorrow (today). urbi, katja and blake are watching blue velvet. i make fun of urbi for having burst in on my midterm today to tell me about her ipod. big hugs (blue lights!) all around.
-thomas and i doubt that we'll get anyone to play monopoly with us so we start a game. our calls pan out and rob, dierdre and mitch come over. we restart in the kitchen. the game and its trades are ridiculous, but satisfying, at least until the endgame when everyone is making desperate trades and it drags out. i go out by hitting two railroads and three house boardwalk on the same turn and go for a walk.
-i have missed calls from sara and katja. sara is asleep and says we'll talk tomorrow. urbi answers katja's phone and tells me to come over.
-blake and urbi and katja are painting each other in urbi's room. i let katja paint me and i draw her, but (mine at least) turns out not to be very serious. i say it feels weird, cause i usually only draw people who i'm in love with.
-on the way home i run into jacqui on the way to phi psi (next door). it makes a bookend evening for us (what with the shopping and all). katie leach is there too, and for some reason she's excited to talk to me (??). i show her my new shoes and say how i accidentally showed up to analysis today even though there was no class. when i get back inside the monopoly was still going on. i instantly don't feel bad at all for having done something else than sit and watch.
-just after midnight, the game gets called (where'd you get the pink 50s grandma?). i read la peste and sleep.
———
today is busy. i'm trying to run, go to market, stop by the black pyramid tent, go to movie and dinner with emily's family and end up at the lockin. i'm also kinda trying to see sara, but math (time, that is) isnt really with me there.
everything else, i forget.
-seven pounds of raw meat in the freezer (5 beef, 2 chicken. we'll have to get on that)
-splayed on the couch feeling good in a body, enough so that i didnt mind watching two and a half men (to be fair, it may well be the best thing on. i still can't really get my head around thomas watching it daily)
-shopping for the lock-in with rob, jacqui, dierdre and thomas. more rain, cramped back seat and aldi. we stop at the other room on the way home to drop the stuff off for tomorrow (today). urbi, katja and blake are watching blue velvet. i make fun of urbi for having burst in on my midterm today to tell me about her ipod. big hugs (blue lights!) all around.
-thomas and i doubt that we'll get anyone to play monopoly with us so we start a game. our calls pan out and rob, dierdre and mitch come over. we restart in the kitchen. the game and its trades are ridiculous, but satisfying, at least until the endgame when everyone is making desperate trades and it drags out. i go out by hitting two railroads and three house boardwalk on the same turn and go for a walk.
-i have missed calls from sara and katja. sara is asleep and says we'll talk tomorrow. urbi answers katja's phone and tells me to come over.
-blake and urbi and katja are painting each other in urbi's room. i let katja paint me and i draw her, but (mine at least) turns out not to be very serious. i say it feels weird, cause i usually only draw people who i'm in love with.
-on the way home i run into jacqui on the way to phi psi (next door). it makes a bookend evening for us (what with the shopping and all). katie leach is there too, and for some reason she's excited to talk to me (??). i show her my new shoes and say how i accidentally showed up to analysis today even though there was no class. when i get back inside the monopoly was still going on. i instantly don't feel bad at all for having done something else than sit and watch.
-just after midnight, the game gets called (where'd you get the pink 50s grandma?). i read la peste and sleep.
———
today is busy. i'm trying to run, go to market, stop by the black pyramid tent, go to movie and dinner with emily's family and end up at the lockin. i'm also kinda trying to see sara, but math (time, that is) isnt really with me there.
everything else, i forget.
19.10.07
something in french
how 'bout a two for one. that is, productivity and a playlist.
the playlist first:
1: seeing other people — belle & sebastian — if you're feeling sinister
2: the twist — metric — grow up and blow away
3: my moon my man — feist — the reminder
4: walking with a ghost — tegan and sara — so jealous
5: borderline — sufjan stevens — (rarities)
6: blankest year — nada surf — the weight is a gift
7: the sky opened wide like the tide — the blow — poor aim love songs
8: you're so hollywood — flickerstick — welcoming home the astronauts
9: lazy [zend avesta mix] — noir désir — one trip one noise
10: amsterdam — peter, bjorn and john — writer's block
11: a line allows progress, a circle does not—bright eyes—every day and every night
(link!)
i'm not saying it's done, but it's not in bad shape. the middle section (5-9) runs pretty nicely, but i might mess with the beginning. it's a little fluffy.
the productivity is specifically in reference to my two tasks for the semester, which is to say i went for a run.
i ended up getting lost in the topology midterm. in particular, i kept going from page to page and doing everything systematically and was the first done, but when i checked the time on the way home it was ten minutes after the normal end of class. it'd be nice if all the classes seemed to go that fast. i think i did fine but we'll see.
nothing particular is happening later, but i'm not too worried. i'm pretty adept at wasting time, and there are things to be done in the first place.
the playlist first:
1: seeing other people — belle & sebastian — if you're feeling sinister
2: the twist — metric — grow up and blow away
3: my moon my man — feist — the reminder
4: walking with a ghost — tegan and sara — so jealous
5: borderline — sufjan stevens — (rarities)
6: blankest year — nada surf — the weight is a gift
7: the sky opened wide like the tide — the blow — poor aim love songs
8: you're so hollywood — flickerstick — welcoming home the astronauts
9: lazy [zend avesta mix] — noir désir — one trip one noise
10: amsterdam — peter, bjorn and john — writer's block
11: a line allows progress, a circle does not—bright eyes—every day and every night
(link!)
i'm not saying it's done, but it's not in bad shape. the middle section (5-9) runs pretty nicely, but i might mess with the beginning. it's a little fluffy.
the productivity is specifically in reference to my two tasks for the semester, which is to say i went for a run.
i ended up getting lost in the topology midterm. in particular, i kept going from page to page and doing everything systematically and was the first done, but when i checked the time on the way home it was ten minutes after the normal end of class. it'd be nice if all the classes seemed to go that fast. i think i did fine but we'll see.
nothing particular is happening later, but i'm not too worried. i'm pretty adept at wasting time, and there are things to be done in the first place.
Dieu lui-même ne peut maintenant nous séparer
i am very conscious of my body, and it feels terribly good.
i forgot that my class was cancelled today. i went anyways, so i ended up having an hour and a half free. bonus time, stolen time. i went to the park and sat underneath the tree and read la peste. it was perfect, in that i got to exactly where i wanted to be in the reading and got inspired in a different way too. i was listening to bright eyes.
i ended up pitching trees as a metaphor for god. i like it, especially in that thomas doesnt think trees can love, but he likes god. trees capture the indifference of god insofar as there is evil in the world. and anyways, infinitude implies unconsciousness. god cares the way trees do: not by caring, but by being caring.
and how could god have a self anything like the way people do. a finite number of finite, in particular épuisable, people on the globe don't have any way to break down anything infinite. and so the blind atheist concludes that god is nothing, that this tree doesn't have a brain or heart, and thus cannot love.
and it's true that you can't walk up to a tree trunk and say "do you love me?" and it's also true that it does.
———
in other news, i'm doing good in school. the biggest things i have to worry about are getting a visa and running 26 miles. if i can do those, then i'll be in good shape. which is a funny thing to say seeing as i have the hardest midterm in 20 minutes. i'm saying it'll go well, now that i've calmed myself down.
maybe i'll post my playlist later, and maybe i'll go do something productive instead. that's all the choices i'm giving myself (for now).
i forgot that my class was cancelled today. i went anyways, so i ended up having an hour and a half free. bonus time, stolen time. i went to the park and sat underneath the tree and read la peste. it was perfect, in that i got to exactly where i wanted to be in the reading and got inspired in a different way too. i was listening to bright eyes.
i ended up pitching trees as a metaphor for god. i like it, especially in that thomas doesnt think trees can love, but he likes god. trees capture the indifference of god insofar as there is evil in the world. and anyways, infinitude implies unconsciousness. god cares the way trees do: not by caring, but by being caring.
and how could god have a self anything like the way people do. a finite number of finite, in particular épuisable, people on the globe don't have any way to break down anything infinite. and so the blind atheist concludes that god is nothing, that this tree doesn't have a brain or heart, and thus cannot love.
and it's true that you can't walk up to a tree trunk and say "do you love me?" and it's also true that it does.
———
in other news, i'm doing good in school. the biggest things i have to worry about are getting a visa and running 26 miles. if i can do those, then i'll be in good shape. which is a funny thing to say seeing as i have the hardest midterm in 20 minutes. i'm saying it'll go well, now that i've calmed myself down.
maybe i'll post my playlist later, and maybe i'll go do something productive instead. that's all the choices i'm giving myself (for now).
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